Take your time getting to know someone before you have your first meeting.
Taking time getting to know someone, first through emails then on the phone, can give you a true feel for how they really are. It also gives you a chance to listen for the signs that this person is not being honest with you. Pay attention! Do they stick with the same story or does it seem to change a lot? Is there something they seem apprehensive to talk about it? If so, try to find out why. On the positive side, taking time to get to know them also gives you a chance to build the foundation of a strong relationship, so dont skip over this important step!
Dont give out personal information that can be traced to your home or your work.
The last thing you want is to have someone that you dont end up feeling comfortable with coming to your door at home or at work. That can only spell trouble. (Can you say stalker?) This is information that should be a privilege given only after you have met at least once, if not more. A cell phone or pager can always be used to be for contact, other than e-mail, with someone. These are harder to trace back to home. Just be sure that if you are returning a call, and want the number to stay anonymous, that you have your home number blocked. Check with your phone company to see how to do this.
Make sure you are meeting at a familiar location.
Go where you know! You need to be somewhere that you feel safe and you know the area. That gives you more control. I even made sure a friend or family member was there to keep an eye on me at first. It made me feel as if there was a guardian angel watching over me.
Take your own car, or transportation.
First of all, in the spirit of not letting someone know where you live right away, you obviously dont want to let them come pick you up at home (no matter how old fashioned you might be). This is something that can come at a later date when you are sure you want them to see your home. When you take your own car, you have more control of when you leave and where you go. If you dont like someone or somehow dont feel comfortable, you can leave!
Be certain to give a close friend or family member all the details.
By this I mean ALL the details. They should know your plans for the evening and when you expect to be home. You should also be sure to give them all the information on the identity of your date and their picture. If your plans change and you are going to be home later, just give them a call. Sure, this sounds like you are back home with your Mother again, but at least your safe. It really cant hurt!
Listen to yourself!!!
This one cant be stressed enough. We are all equipped with some sense of intuition. Whether it is faint or screaming in your ear. You should listen to what your senses are trying to tell you. Don't try to ignore or rationalize your fears. It is a simple golden rule for life: If you dont feel safe, you probably arent! Dont ignore this! If at any time you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, end the date immediately. It is better to be wrong than be harmed.
The above are the rules that I used to guide me during my journey through online dating. I found them very successful. In fact, because I was able to get to know my dates before we met, I felt safer than on so-called "traditional" first dates. You just don't get that opportunity when you meet someone at a bar, club, coffee shop or by any other means.
Keep in mind, these rules are only my suggestions. Your safety is truly up to you. Use your common sense. Make up your own rules. Whatever you do, stay safe and play safe and you will have a lot more fun!!
Jennifer Lester is an online dating expert who offers her advice and guidance through the world of online dating at her web site: http://www.lovepersonally.com The tour guide for your online dating experience.
Emotional Intelligence and ACAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics)Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant
Everyone in the alcoholic's family suffers effects from the disease. Typically everyone involved in the life of the alcoholic and dysfunctional family has low or no emotional intelligence. They don't know what they think or feel, and dont think they have a right to.
Many of the challenges facing Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACAs) can be addressed by developing Emotional Intelligence. Here are some examples.
[Source: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization (http://www.adultchildren.org )
1. ACAs tend to over-react to anger and criticism, and are afraid of authority figures.
EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.
If youre an ACA and someone gets angry at you, you shrink inside and shut down or panic, reacting in a way that isnt always appropriate to the actual real-life situation. Learning constructive ways to deal with the emotions engendered by disagreement and criticism are part of EQ.
Emotional Intelligence means not taking constructive criticism personally and emotionally, but getting the message and benefiting from it. Experiencing fear and anger, strong emotions designed for survival, cant be controlled, but we always have a choice in how we respond to them.
2. ACAs often feel isolated and lonely and uneasy with other people.
EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Emotional Expression and Communication.
Isolation is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves. To live in emotional isolation can be worse on our health than such things as smoking and being overweight. Learning to communicate well, and express feelings appropriately is part of the EQ experience.
3. ACAs feel like victims when something bad happens to them.
EQ COMPETENCY: Personal Power.
Personal Power is the opposite of victim-ology. Instead of asking Who will take care of me? you learn to ask, How will I take care of myself? It means building confidence in your ability to handle your life and believing that you can do it.
4. ACAs are often uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. Theyre afraid to reveal their feelings and who they are, and reluctant to become vulnerable.
EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Expression.
The first step in EQ is self-awareness; to become aware of your feelings. Only then can you learn how to express them accurately and appropriately.
5. ACAs tend to confuse pity with love, and to be more concerned about others than they are about themselves.
EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Empathy.
Healthy Empathy means being able to understand where the other person is coming from, but with respect for ones own boundaries. You can understand how the other person feels, but not have to join them in the feeling. Empathy does not involve the feeling of pity.
6. ACAs judge themselves harshly and are over-responsible. Often they are perfectionists.
EQ COMPETENCY: Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving.
Understanding that were human, and that we all make mistakes is what this is all about. It takes a lot of practice for most of us to get this competency. It involves self-talk and learned optimism, and managing the emotions of failures, losses, rejections and mistakes. It isnt good for your health, your work, or your relationships to be a perfectionist!
7. ACAs have difficulty in identifying, understanding, and expressing their feelings.
EQ COMPETENCY: EQ!
The cornerstone of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness being able to identify and understand your feelings. If you lived in an environment where feelings were not welcome, denigrated, mocked, punished, ignored, denied, or lied about, it will take some practice to be able to bring them up, identify them, and understand them. Thats what EQ coaching is all about!
8. ACAs over-value the approval of others, and will ignore their own values, preferences and beliefs in deference to others'. Feeling vulnerable, they protect themselves by being overly anxious to please others.
EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated Self, Personal Power and Intentionality.
These competencies help us stay centered, and act with intent, based on our own values, preferences, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. When we own and claim our Personal Power, we can aim to get along with others with good will, but are no longer driven to please someone else at our own expense.
9. ACAs tend to be addicted to excitement. They are risk seekers who prefer constant upset to workable solutions.
EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding, accepting and processing emotions, operating with Intentionality, and often being able eventually to modulate emotions.
EQ means learning where emotions come from and how they operate and being able to make choices instead of knee jerk reactions. We learn the different feel or emotions from the reptilian brain and the limbic brain, and when and how to blend this with the thinking brain, the neocortex. Understanding where the need for excitement comes from allows us to manage it, and avoid chaotic situations that self-sabotage. EQ is all about workable solutions and how to achieve them.
10. ACAs are imprisoned by childhood reactions.
EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence means understanding where emotions come from, and being able to experience them, consider them, learn from them, and then make a decision to respond (or not), instead of reacting without thinking. Developing your Emotional Intelligence will help you avoid being entrapped in any unrealistic, rash or un-reasoned reaction.
Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, internet courses, business program, teleclasses and ebooks around emotional intelligence. Susan is the author of EQs Answer to Addiction: the 14th Step, http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZine.
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