Getting Back Into Dating

Have you been out of the dating game for a while? There are a lot of reasons women remove themselves from dating: what was yours? Sometimes it’s fear or lack of confidence. Other times it’s the happy occurrence of becoming exclusive—dating one particular man. Or maybe even becoming engaged or getting married.

If the plan didn’t work out, or the relationship didn’t last, you may be finding yourself re-entering the world of meeting new men, and looking for the kind of relationship you want today.

I say “today” because what you have in mind may have changed since your last relationship experience. You need to find out if that’s true for you, and if so, acknowledge that. For example:

*Where do you come out on your goal TODAY: are you looking for someone simply to have good times with, someone who will be a steady companion, or someone to legally marry?

*What kind of person are you looking for TODAY? Certainly the guidelines may have changed since the last time. Must that person be: fun, adventurous, studious, practical, openly affectionate in public, monogamous, a person desiring children, careful with money or a willing spender… committed to being childfree (or having no further offspring) or ready to start a new family? Must that person be financially fixed—or wealthy, or simply debt-free—or doesn’t it matter?

*Where does that person desire to live? Living situations can make or break a relationship, believe it or not, so know where you’re at, and how flexible you are at
this particular point of your life.

*What are your negotiables (“I’d like to live with the person, but if he prefers to keep his own place for alone time—that’s okay with me”)? What are your non-negotiables (“Same religion,” “Non smoker,” “Fit and athletic,” “Likes to have fun” “Someone who’s okay with my coach potato ways, even though he’s super fit”)?

*What are you special desires, quirks and needs that absolutely need to be considered by you and your partner-to-be? Many of my love-and attraction clients hesitate to disclose these for a very long time. As a coach, I want to suggest that you don’t make that mistake. Depending on what it is, it may not need to be discussed on your first or second date. But please don’t wait till the engagement party! If you think what you need to say may be met with concern or distaste, it is doubly important that you disclose it. Honestly: Would you prefer to tell late and then discover that it’s a deal breaker? A little discomfort now can eliminate a world of sorrow later. Be smart.

Lastly, some choices made in your twenties and thirties may not apply later, so do explore, be honest, and learn the difference between what is essential to you and what’s not today. Flexibility is great, but don’t lie to yourself or minimize your needs. That kind of behavior can result in misery later.

By the way, you need to set aside a time to re-discover your wants and needs. If you’ve recently come out of a relationship, you need some alone time to discover what is truly you and what is a left-behind attitude of your last coupling that wasn’t really your own.
© 2007 by Wendy Lapidus-Saltz